tRYING TO WRITE again

I was confused as I drove quietly through the poorly lit street, so I pulled up by the kerb next to the gray building. I frantically searched the breast pocket of my leather jacket and pulled out a scrap piece of paper. I had hurriedly written the address China had given me; I could not even read my own hand writing. Rage consumed every part of me as I replayed the activities last night. As I tried to make sense of what I had written down on the scrap piece of crisped paper, I caught a glimpse of my face in the rare view mirror, which reminded me of his face, the similitude was unquestionable. I was about to smash the windscreen of my 2006 Audi A3 from the inside when I heard a gentle tap on the side window.

“Open up and get your gat man, Feds are around here”, China’s Jamaican accent was strong as he tapped on the side window. He passed me a package as I handed over fifty pounds in cash to him. The exchange was done discreetly, just like in the movies when drugs were being exchanged for cash. I tucked the package under my leather jacket close to my abdomen, pressed on the gas and off I was to the city of Chelsea.

As I drove, his face flashed in my head, then her face, then his face shouting, then her face crying, then his face pleading, then her frame falling to the floor. I pulled over by the side of the road, placed my aching head on my hands while they rested on the steering wheel frame. I cried and cussed as I remembered the moments that led to this night.

I met her during a house party that was organised by my good friend Tunde; as soon as I saw her; I was immediately drawn to her. She wore a black Donna Karan dress which made her look more like an angel than human. I knew the dress was by Donna Karan because I had seen the same dress on Miss Beyonce on the YBF website. She was very polite when I spoke to her, she went by the name Kemi which was very similar to Femi my name, she even danced with me that night and when she shared a dance with Tunde, I watched as she glided effortlessly to the tune of the music, at that moment, it became my desire to get to know her more than anyone in the world.

Kemi and I became very close, pretty much from the get go, we did everything and went everywhere together. We had dinners countless times and we generally got on. I would always say to my friends that she was my equal. It was so obvious how close we got that random people would ask if she was my sister, at first it was almost cute but it became a regular thing, I just figured when you love someone so much, you begin to act, talk and look like them.

It was only natural we took our relationship to the next level, at that time, it had being two years since that house party organised by my friend Tunde. That night was beautiful, the moon was full so we knew even the heavens wanted our union. I invited her into my room, I had spent the whole day cleaning every bit and I made sure that mom had gone to her regular Friday vigil at the church. I had candles everywhere and also roses on the bed, it was going to be her first time and I was going to make it as special as possible.
She seemed too excited when she walked in, I was under the impression she was impressed by my preparations but my disappointment knew no bounds when she told me she was excited about her parents coming to visit from the USA, however she made up for the disappointment with twenty kisses, a back rub and a very good night.

Two months later, I noticed Kemi was a bit distant, I wondered if I had rushed her into sleeping with me but when I asked her about it she said she wanted it more than I did and her distance was because her parents were around. I continued to be what I was to her and tried not to worry so much about the very obvious changes. I asked her if I could meet her parents and she always declined until one day when I received a text message on my mobile telephone from Kemi.

“We need to talk, your parents and mine"

I called her immediately but she did not answer my telephone call, I knew within me something was not in place, I called my mother on the telephone and informed her, she never met Kemi simply because I hid Kemi from her but I am aware that she knows about her. She did not ask me many questions but said that I should confirm the time of the meeting. After two weeks of continuous calling on the telephone, Kemi finally answered my telephone call and confirmed my worst assumption. Yes, she was pregnant. My world stood still simply because I was not ready to be a father. I had no paternal example, my mother was a single parent and all I knew about my father was he left when I was about three with my sibling. There were no pictures and prolonged stories about him, my mother never brought another man home. The only family I knew were the Cosby’s, however I decided to embrace the responsibility. I love Kemi too much to let her go, in fact the idea of Kemi and I together forever flattered me.

I drove myself and my mother to the city of Chelsea, I knew Kemi was from a rich family but a house by the river Thames was out of my imagination, she stayed with her half sister and I never went over to her house simply because we enjoyed our privacy. We approached the elevator, pushed the button to open it, when we were inside, my mother smiled at me, it was her way of saying I am here for you. She has always being there for me, she always gave me the best, although she had to work loads of hours at the Hospital as a nurse, she was always around whenever I called. I pushed the button for the fifth floor and I prepared myself to meet Kemi’s parents.

The door was opened by Kemi, she looked so beautiful even more than ever. I wondered if pregnancy made women look better. She was very polite to my mother as she ushered us into the well spaced and decorated living room. We sat side by side on the very comfortable sofa, my nerves at that point was overflowing, I was very anxious about meeting her parents but the smile on my mother’s face calmed me down. I was very thankful she was there with me. Kemi announced she was going to let her parents we were here and excused herself as she walked into the other room out of my sight.

A very elegant woman walked out of the room first, she spoke very well as she introduced herself as the wife, she was very proper with her ways and indeed very polite. I hoped Kemi’s father will also be as pleasant and proper.

He did walk out of the room, about three minutes after his wife, as he got closer, he stopped. Something was wrong; I noticed the discomfort in my mother’s face. He also looked like he had seen a ghost, it was certain my mother knew Kemi’s father. That was not a pleasant moment.

Words escaped my mother’s lips, words that had no meaning attached to them, words like “I hope this is not what I think it is”, these words made no sense to me. He slumped into the sit next to him and yelled out Kemi’s name.

When Kemi came into the surrounding, he asked he if I was responsible for her pregnancy. I answered yes even before she could. He looked at me dead in the eyes and looked directly at my mother whose face was covered with tears. I had never seen my mother cry, this was bigger than pregnancy, something else was wrong.

He started shouting, yelling and yapping. I could not make out what he was saying but I knew he wanted my mother and me to leave immediately. My mother stood toe to toe with him and said, “You did this to us, you left with her”, my mother pointed towards Kemi. It became clearer then, the man that stood in front of my mother is my father, and Kemi is my sister. It made sense, Femi and Kemi. My mother did mention once when I was young that I came into this world with someone, she never went into details. It is clearer now. Those random people did see the similarities; she was my twin, my sibling that was taken away. Then I heard him pleading, I guess Kemi put everything together in her head too because she fell to the floor, she fainted. I was mad, I could not take anymore. I looked into his eyes, my father’s eyes and vowed to kill him.

I ran out of the house, grabbed my mobile telephone and dialled China, I needed a piece, and I needed a gun. I will end this the best way; I will take out the man that brought this upon me.